SpongeBob Snowden

Emulating his older brother, teenager Robert Snowden today leaked revelations that his employer, 7-Eleven, had been improperly recording employee and customer data. Snowden has reportedly fled to the family treehouse to escape retribution.

“Robert and Edward – who used to call each other Squidward and SpongeBob – were very close, but also very competitive, so it is not surprising that Bobby would follow his older brother into the role of whistleblower.” said their mother, from under a red blanket. She observed, “A lot of people wonder why he went to the treehouse instead of hiding in the basement, but he knows I get dizzy after the fourth rung.”

In point of fact, authorities were already aware of the 7-Eleven abuses:

Federal authorities seized 14 7-Eleven stores on Long Island and in Virginia, arresting nine owners and managers, and seized property, including five homes. They are investigating 40 other 7-Eleven franchises in New York City and elsewhere in one of the largest criminal immigrant employment investigations ever conducted by the Justice and Homeland Security Departments, officials said. … The case began two years ago when a 7-Eleven employee approached the New York State Police about not being paid for his work. Another worker later contacted the Suffolk County police.

But the younger Snowden is still convinced that he will face either official retribution, or retaliation from operatives of the Seven & I Holdings Corporation.

Local reaction has been mixed. His classmates applaud Snowden as “sort of” a hero, while older people worry that he is setting a bad example by being disloyal to his employers. “Who cares about privacy? I need my coffee in the morning, and I can drive to our 7-Eleven half-asleep.” said one neighbor, “If whippersnappers like Snowden have their way, my 7-Eleven will close, and I’ll have to go out of my way. I might have an accident! I wonder if he is secretly working for Royal Farms, or even Sheetz! I wouldn’t be surprised to see young Snowden in a new uniform very soon.”

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