Edward and the NSA

(To the tune of Charlie On The MTA)

Let me tell you the story
Of a man named Edward
On a tragic and fateful day
He put a thumb drive in his pocket
Kissed his girlfriend Lindsay
Went to work at the NSA.

But he spilled the beans
At a hotel in Hong Kong
Then he left for parts unknown
When he got to Sheremetyevo airport
The Russian agents told him
He could not leave the transit zone.

Chorus:
Did he ever return,
No he never returned
And his fate is still unlearn’d
He may reside forever
In the streets of Moscow
He’s the man who never returned.

He pretended to flee
with Evo Morales
But they grounded that plane, too
So Julian Assange
Got a lawyer for Edward
And Putin said, “Here are the rules.”

“If the revelations stop
He can stay in Moscow
At least for one short year.”
Edward looked around and sighed,
“Well, it’s nicer than prison
So for now I’ll be living here.”

Now all night long
Edward hides in Moscow
Saying, “What will become of me?
Crying “I miss my Mom and Dad
And my limber sweetheart Lindsay
But at least the wireless is free.”

Now you US American citizens
Don’t you think it’s a scandal
That our government can spy and spy?
Tell the House and tell the Senate
To stop NSA Surveillance
And vote for change at every turn.

Chorus:
Or else he’ll never return,
No he’ll never return
And his fate will be unlearned
He may hide forever
On the streets of Moscow
He’s the man (Who’s the man)
He’s the man who never returned.
He’s the man (Oh, the man)
He’s the man who never returned.
He’s the man who never returned.

Update 20130822: The Awl has ten real folk songs about the NSA and Edward Snowden. Mine didn’t make the list. 😦