US military to liberate new oil-rich region

Media outlets like the LA Times are reporting that the, U.S. to become world’s largest oil producer before 2020, IEA says.

The U.S. will become the world’s top producer of oil within five years, a net exporter of the fuel around 2030 and nearly self-sufficient in energy by 2035, according to a new report from the International Energy Agency.

In response, the US military is moving forward with plans to liberate the United States and secure its oil facilities.

“We believe that this action is a logical extension of the Carter Doctrine to a new oil-rich region,” said an unnamed member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “The US is an unstable regime, with potential leadership changes every four years. To secure a steady supply of oil, we must step in and introduce the American people to the unwavering, reliable sort of  democracy now enjoyed by the people of Iraq, Libya and Afghanistan.”

Such plans have apparently been in the works since President Eisenhower’s famous military-industrial complex speech. “Yeah, we suspected it would come to this,” remarked a senior military attache, while thoughtfully puffing his Cuban cigar.